


I, Loki

by Kodawari



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Loki thinking to himself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-13
Updated: 2018-10-13
Packaged: 2019-08-01 07:31:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16280312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kodawari/pseuds/Kodawari
Summary: He always knew he was different, he just never knew why. It smarts when you're right. This is what thinks of the Asgardians and his place among them.Shortly before Loki takes the throne in Thor 1.





	I, Loki

When I found out, my world fell from under my feet.

The way you looked at me then averted your gaze. The way you spoke to me as if I meant something I did not intend. The way you whispered in false concern -behind my back- to comfort one another. I was always the firebrand, the funny miscreant. So you laughed where you would rather scowl.

I didn't know what was wrong with me. Turns out, friends, it was everything right. 

Always an ill feeling in the pit of your stomach, wasn't there? There was in mine. I never suspected this. All I guessed was that I was different. I was cut from a strange cloth, not too dissimilar to the common criminal, of which you had so few. When I complained about the trivialities of certain daily rites you didn't bat an eye except to think "How strange". I was odd. That was that. 

Then I moved on to tricks, because I thought you liked those. Your race preferred action over words. More and more elaborate they became. I wanted only to impress. Weak. I was starved, don't you see?

So I then I loved starved, weak things. I loved that which you shunned, because blinded by your perfect glory, I sought out the familiar for myself. I was searching for the truth even then in lost things. I wanted to belong. 

You think I could have helped myself. So did I. I was mistaken. I cannot, and I now know why. 

I believe in the Norns now. Back then I thought it silly that fate had any control over my actions. Like a fool I thought I silvered my own tongue through devouring books, learned all the errant and dark magicks myself and paid steeply beyond what was sane. I made me. I was terrible in my own eyes, but I told myself at least I was not what you despised. Oh, but the Norns. They weave a web so fine it's imperceptible, fine gossamer, unless you back far, far away from oneself. Myself of then was a well spun lie. I must admire that. The ugly part was I made excuses and didn't even know. They were still my thoughts, yes? The Trickster tricks himself!

It all made sense. The tapestry was clear as to why I did this, or that, or didn't. It wasn't Asgardian, was it, my behavior? 

I had dreams, strange ones when I was a child. I had dreams I was raised by wolves. 

You see, my dear captors, I never had a choice in my actions. They were woven into my marrow as tight as a drum. I am the black wolf among your golden flock. To think I cried when you batted my nose. How silly, I simply did not understand your language. You despised mine.

Now shall I turn and ravage you? Or shall I show you mercy unearned? I'll whisper behind your backs for you if it suits.

I have every opportunity to harm. Yet I don't. Because I am not you. I am different. I am no the monster you feared. You see, I know what love is. 

However...

Our love was mismatched through no fault of my own. I displayed it for you in my fashion. I just didn't have the words. You think that ironic? 

I ached for you. There was a chasm in my heart.

Wake up one day and find you aren't yourself. Look in the mirror and see the truth. Hurts, doesn't it? 

Adopted by another species, swaddled in a lie...that is a feeling a good Asgardian would not wish on anyone.

But I do. 

Because I, Loki, am different.


End file.
